Caterina: What Mother Never Told You by Caterina, thwarted latina

My baby boy is almost one year old and I've had a lot of time over the past year to think. I thought while walking in circles, while doing laundry, while unwillingly watching sunrises with wakeful fellow, while feeding fellow from one teat or t'other. So far it's been an education and a half. I wonder if I'll ever try to describe the emotional and philosophical revelations I've had thanks to my own personal household-size el nino . I'm talking insights and changes of a significant and profound nature....as any mother would tell you, if she could, but it's hard, and she's also probably busy.

But for the moment I'll confine myself to bitching about all the things any mother could have EASILY told us before we got ourselves into this mess, but didn't. Yes I'm talking about you, you mothers! I'm going to break the silence by jotting down a check-list of mama secrets that must be told, for the benefit of first-timers. In the interest of thoroughness, I invite anyone who wishes to add to this list.

1. Here's a good one: you can read all the books, lurk on all the lists, talk to all the parents you can find... if that sort of thing doesn't make you more scared and anxious than you were before, go for it. Just understand that you can never KNOW before it happens to you. Marido reminds me of my own words in early pregnancy "this doesn't have to change our lives." Am I an idiot? Yes, certainly, but even mothers-to-be who are not in complete denial should be prepared for the fact that they can never be prepared. Amigita is currently many months along in her own first pregnancy. She dreamt she was watchiing an apocolyptic blast approaching. In her dream I intentionally plunged right into the thick of it. This reminded me of my own dream of impending birth, when I was about the same size: a heroic woman lay on the ground, breathed gusts of fire like a dragon and then spontaneously incinerated. I can say now that these images are totally appropriate. At the time I thought it was all about labour and delivery, but now I know these images are about the cataclysmic change AFTER the easy part is done. Lucky for us, somos mujeres, somos fuertes. Like the phoenix we all rise out of the fire - transformed, sure, but just fine thank you.

2. Which leads me to my second point about pre-baby fears: Giving Birth. I'm still annoyed by my pre-natal class. Why so many videos? Very stressful. When the big moment arrives you're not going to be looking at any of this anyway. I overheard one classmate in the hall "I know I'm going to go through it, but I don't need to keep seeing it!" I myself was a bit terrified and somehow watching many baby heads crowning didn't put any of my fears to rest. But here's the thing: watch out for any specific overriding fear you may have - the one thing that really gets your heart racing when you think you can handle all else. This may be your fear repository. It's a kind of focus that also acts as a distraction from anxiety of the miasmic unknown. One muchacha told me she had been stricken by the thought of delivering the placenta, she'd been told it could be as painful as pushing out baby. Uh-huh. I was FREAKED that I might have to get an episiotomy. The thought disturbed me even more than the thought that I might tear down there, aahhhhgghh! FYI, neither of us had the least thought for our most dreaded fears when they actually happened. In my case, given a mirror and a pair of long shears, I might have done the job myself.

3. Of the post-baby secrets I wish to unveil, the first is this: You Now Have No Rights. Especially if you breast-feed. Mothers may joke about this later, but it is no joke at the time guapa. You thought a basic standard of cleanliness and other bathroom privileges would always be yours - na-ah. I spent the first 4 months stewing over a woman I met at a party. She had seen my highly pregnant state a few months earlier and had oohed and aahed and talked of wanting to do it all again right away, just looking at me. She had a six month-old at home with grandmother and she looked good. Obviously she felt good. At the time I was reassured, but post-baby I was pissed off. I could handle anything but I couldn't handle it if every single new mother wasn't as miserable as me, too unfair. To this day I prefer the story one amiga-mama told of having to answer the door with both breasts leaking and baby diahrrea running down her leg. At that moment it came to her with clarity: "I have ruined my life." A year later we can both laugh HAHAHA.

4. Breastfeeding really HURTS....at first. Why did nobody ever mention this? other mothers would say to me "well, I breastfed..." and look at me kind of funny. They seemed to be tentative, or maybe sensitive, looking for a reaction. Now I know they were sizing me up - did I have the cojones -oops, melones- for the job? And the books aren't much help either, They talk about a good latch. A good latch means baby is getting fed without doing serious ongoing damage to mother's tissue. They say with a good latch mother has no discomfort. Okay, first of all she does. Second of all stop adding to her worries that she is allowing mutilation to occur. And third of all, don't recommend painkillers and ice packs if a good latch is painless. It took me a few days before I clicked to the inherent contradiction in that one.

5. Just to dwell on breastfeeding a bit more, even though I'm for it andwould do it all over again, BUT. Joder, they do grow fond of it. Weaning is a hassle, I am finding. Especially because it's about comfort and closeness more than about food, later on. These days I'm advocating all kinds of security crutches - pacifiers, blankets, stuffed toys, but son wasn't born yesterday. Which is ironic, because that's the reason I am weaning him in the first place.

6. This is just a little thing but I thought I'd mention it. You know how nice your hair is when you're pregnant? Well you may or may not know from about 4 months on, all that extra hair starts to fall out. In great clumps. And then you have no more extra hair, and yet still it falls out. Now your hair is thinner than you have ever known it to be, and it continues to fall out. You may or may not know that this is the result of a hormonal shift and all very normal and all. But it took me awhile to find someone - in books, online, anywhere - who would come straight out and say, "it will grow back." Gracias, Mr Pharmacist.

You know what? I find I have much more to put on my list, and no more time or space in which to say it for this month's installment. So rather than trying to wind this up before my spleen is fully vented, let's just say To Be Continued...See you in September... and

Hasta la proxima,

Cat.

 

(y muchas gracias a The Harvey Averne Barrio Band for Caterina's theme)

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