Sunday, 3rd September 2000, 12:31am
An opinion by: Rascal

 

Caterina: What Mother Never Told You - The List Goes On by Caterina, thwarted latina

first, a quick tip from Jeannette, mama-in-waiting:

"Something they don't tell you when you are pregnant - take your rings off BEFORE your hands swell up (since you know they will eventually) because if you don't you'll end up fiddling endlessly with puffy, ring-congested fingers till you reach the point of hysterical claustraphobia which can only be relieved by childbirth. Aiya!!!"

And once over the hump of pregnancy (har har), Olivia offers memories and muchisimo insight into living with baby:

"My son is now 2 and a half years old. It's true, I would do it all-over again. but..

I remember that one of the hardest things for me was not to belong to myself anymore. My body was no longer mine. The first months, you have to carry your baby all the time. I used to go crazy at first because I could not go a few steps without having to carry someone or something (the bag with the diapers, the seat for the car, the stroller (poussette), the teddybear, the baby wants to sit here, the bottle, the food in the little tupperwares, the baby needs a change of diaper, carry, carry, carry, bags, bags, bags...aaaaaarhhhhhh)! When my son could finally sit by himself, it was an improvement. When he could walk by himself, even better. Now that he is almost 3, I think it's the best time of all. But I thought the same thing when he was 1, 1 1/2, 2,...

Nobody ever told me that I might regret it, some nights, that I might not "love him" for a few minutes, that I might feel awfully guilty for these feelings. You know, when you tried everything but your baby won't sleep. Then suddenly, he is calm, you slowly fall into sleep but no! He's awake and crying! I was alone at that time (I seperated from the father when my son was 7 months old). I remember that I was afraid of myself and of my wrath, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to let him cry in his crib, and go outside, smoke a cigarette (I quit 6 months ago!).

And how about all the doctors giving you contradictory advice? One will say give him this, the other will say don't ever give him this... I thought at one point that I would have to go through years of university and to become a doctor myself in order to get the information I needed.

Well, it is the very best and most fullfilling experience of my life, but they don't tell us everything... "

Ay no, they most certainly don't tell us everything do they? Even when we know the questions we should be asking. Our mothers, other mothers, doctors, even the babies themselves.... what a secretive lot. So in protest to all this mystery I decided to spill guts about what I consider to be the most critical issues that belong on this here list.

Is there sex after baby?
I add this because I feel there should be LOTS more frank discussion on this one. Certainly not because I think I have a clue, or can offer any good advice. My own situation may be an extreme one, but who knows, maybe it's not. For example, many sources will tell you about hormonal shifts during breastfeeding and vaginal dryness. But I'd like to thank The Girlfriend's Guide to 0399523308/imhoinmyhysteric>Surviving the First Year of Motherhood for the tip about Astroglide personal lubricant. I'd also like to thank Lisa, the homeopath, for having the same strange sensation from her episiotomy scar. Sheesh, I would have thought giving birth would have made that area less tight, not more.

But once I sorted out some basic mechanics, so many more challenges stepped in and took their place. Such as the

First time hurdle
I've always been squeamish about the interiorities of my person (I passed out the first time a contact lens was placed in my eye). And even though the midwife suggested I keep an eye on things, I wouldn't take a mirror to my under parts until 6 weeks after El Nino was born; swelling and stitches - eeeuwwwblaaaah! I did not want to know. And after passing over 8lbs of beloved child, I figured my vagina was entitled to a 10 month leave of absence before I was willing to go all the way. I told you I was squeamish.

Emotional adjustment
Have you ever noticed that the so-called birth canal exists only in one direction? How many organs can claim that, I wonder? I got online and read much about women making the emotional adjustment to get their vagina back from being baby chute to being sexual. There was lots of inane stuff on message boards about how to feel 'sexy' again. Many messages along the lines of "now that I'm junior's mother, I don't see myself as a woman, please help." many tired suggestions involving candlelight and lingerie. But I don't think that's really the problem for women. I'll bet we would feel desire a lot quicker if it weren't for the true motherfucker of them all:

Exhaustion
Exhaustion gets it's own section on this checklist for sure. I was browsing some board at iVillage, I think it was, when I read a post from a mother of a couple of kids and a 7-month-old baby. She wrote about her full-time job and the housework, and the fact that her husband was complaining that he'd had sex only 4 or 5 times since the baby was born. And this twit is actually writing in because she wants to fix her lack of physical desire. Joder, some people should read their own emails for the answers. Like, maybe she should suggest that her husband could put some of his energy to work on, say, the vaccuuming? Maybe then she'd view him as something other than the day's final chore.

So yeah, tiredness, sleepiness, muscle-fatigue, and maybe even resentment that we are having to endure all these trials, while SOMEBODY ELSE (I won't say who) is getting off easy... I'm betting all these factors are the big detriments to mothers' sexuality. Especially for us first-time would-be hotmamas, 'cause we're just not used to any of it yet.

Well, I think I'm done for now. Being a mother is a very strange thing, and I'm sure it will just keep getting more strange. I realized I was fully initiated when a fellow park-dwelling mamita told me she was expecting her second baby. I was so excited for her... and envious! And it struck me that I must be hooked.

Hasta la proxima,

Cat.

(y muchas gracias a The Harvey Averne Barrio Band for Caterina's theme)

Leave a comment

name
email (if you want to be notified)
<-- Please retype the word you see here:
Notify me when someone replies to this post?